Poll results
Here are the results of the First Ever Brain Capacity Readers Poll. There were 6,317 submissions. The responses I received from readers were brave, cowardly, encouraging, discouraging, complimentary, disparaging, praising, threatening ... and very enlightening. What people wrote made me laugh, cry and hurl.
I have hired a team of lawyers, and I will enter therapy this week.
* * *
1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
You might expect that, if Brain Capacity readership reflects the general population, about 10% would be left handed and 90% right handed. In fact, only 9% are righties and 7% are lefties. An astounding 83% of readers claim to be ambidextrous. About 1% use something else. Several readers accused me of being handist in assuming that readers use their hands to write. Sorry.
2. Do you have more than two eyes?
Most readers (76%) don't have more than two eyes. But almost one in five - 19% - do. Only a few said how many; 12 readers claimed to have three eyes; another 11 have four eyes, and one reader claimed to have 47. A surprising 4% told me in no uncertain terms that it's none of my damn business.
3. Do you earn more or less than $7 million (Canadian) per year?
This was almost evenly split between the really rich and the poor to moderately rich. Nobody refused to answer the question, or tell me it's not my business (see question 2 above). Most were happy to report their earnings. Many sent scans of tax returns or pay stubs to prove it. I didn't quantify all the earnings, but I can report that only 12 earn less than $5 per year, and 153 claim to make a billion dollars a year or more.
4. Do you prefer Ginger or Mary Anne?
All Brain Capacity readers are familiar with Gilligan's Island, it would seem. But their preferences are overwhelming: 98% picked Mary Anne. Only 2% picked Ginger. Most of the responses included a lot of sexual fantasy stuff, which I won't outline here.
5. What is your favourite kind of cookie?
Brain Capacity readers are very enlightened - 95% wisely chose chocolate chip as their favourite type of cookie. But 3% like Oreos and 2% like banana cream. One lone poor schmuck likes mango chutney mutton cookies. I don't know who makes them, or where you can buy them. And I don't want to know.
6. Have you ever seen a UFO?
All Brain Capacity readers have seen a UFO. Many report seeing dozens of interstellar craft. One reader claims to be a UFO pilot, and another is a flight attendant on the Alpha Centauri run.
7. Have you ever seen UFO (the TV series)?
Despite the universal experience with UFOs, unfortunately not that many have seen the TV show - only 12%. More than half (56%) said no, and almost a third (32%) have not heard of the show. It's available on DVD at Amazon.ca. You can also read more about it here.
8. Do your toenails turn purple on Monday?
Almost seven out of ten readers (68%) experience this strange phenomenon every Monday - toenails turn a bright purple. A further 17% experience it sometimes, and 15% never experience it.
9. Do you ever eat potato chips on Friday?
Curiously, the percentages for this question are exactly the same as the purple toenails one. Almost seven out of ten readers (68%) eat potato chips every Friday. A further 17% occasionally eat them on that day of the week, and 15% never do.
10. On a scale 1 to 12.2, how much do you enjoy Song Spotlight and Album Spotlight posts in Brain Capacity?
Most readers really like the spotlight features - 71.3 rated their enjoyment between 11.8 and 12.2 on the weird scale, and another 27% rated it between 9.0 and 11.7. Fewer than 2% of readers rated their enjoyment in 5.1 to 9.0 or in the lowest band, 1.0 to 5.0. [Note: This strange scale, invented in 1973 by Swiss econonomist Franco Nerdo, is based on some strange algorithm I don't really understand.]
11. Why did you call your dog a funny name yesterday?
Unfortunately, I can't report the results to this question, as I am facing a number of lawsuits over it. Don't worry, though. I will fight these scurrilous attempts to censor and silence me. Freedom of expression is a guaranteed right under the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
12. Who is your favourite Beatle?
This was almost a dead heat, with only a few votes separating each. George came out just slightly ahead of Paul, then Ringo, then John. Pete Best got one vote. He was in town last week. I wonder if he voted for himself.
13. What is your greater fear: having to do heart surgery on yourself, or being forced to watch every episode of Family Matters?
Brain Capacity readers know bad TV when they see it. Every single respondent reported being more scared of being forced to watch the entire Family Matters TV series than having to perform self-heart-surgery. I won't repeat what several thousand readers said about that annoying Urkel creature.
14. Explain Einstein's special theory of relativity in 6,000 words or less.
Interestingly, only one reader was able to explain this difficult concept in fewer than 6,000 words. The second shortest response was 7,212 words. But that one pithy reader put it very concisely, though somewhat inaccurately. He did it in eight words:
"Einstein's relatives really bugged him, especially his mother-in-law."
15. Do you like posts about articles?
More than three out of five readers (62.6%) didn't understand the question. People in favour (20.0%) just slightly exceeded those who don't like those posts (17.4%).
16. How long will it take Stephen Harper to destroy Canada - more than one year or less than one year?
Slightly more than one third of readers (37.1%) said it will take less than one year for the new PM to destroy Canada, and just under two thirds (62.9%) said it will take longer. A lot of readers said that the only thing holding Harper back right now is the fact that it's a minority government. If he had a majority, it would be the express route down the tubes. It's interesting that nobody said he will not destroy the country. I heard that a couple of Conservative backbench MPs were going to participate in the poll, but the PMO told them they couldn't.
17. Have you ever tried chicken-flavoured ice cream?
After the dog name question, this one was probably the most contentious. Many of the people who said no accused me of making up this type of ice cream. They said I am defaming the ice cream industry and / or the poultry industry.
Well, almost 200 readers (3.1%) can back me up on this. They have tried chicken ice cream at Jen and Barry's Malt Shop in Vancouver. Mind you, everyone of those readers told me that the ice cream is disgusting, and most did it either on a dare, or they were extremely drunk at the time. All say they would never eat it again. But 96.9% of readers have not had the displeasure. Maybe the guy who likes mango chutney mutton cookies would like it.
18. What song was number 1 on the Norwegian charts on Sept. 24, 1977?
OK. This was the trick question. I don't actually know the answer to this one. I have not been able to find out. The largest response was "I don't know" from 38.5% of readers. I received several thousand suggestions, including 127 for I Don't Know by Leif Clemmersson and the Fjords, and 99 for We Got The Beat by the Go-Go's. That's curious, since the Go-Go's didn't even form until the next year; WGTB was on their first album in 1981. I can't find any reference to Clemmersson or his song. Other suggestions included: Beethoven's Marriage Of Figaro (it's actually by Mozart), We'll Meet Again by Sarah Vaughan (a chart topper in the UK during WW2), 99 Red Balloons by Nina (not released until 1984) and Kraftig Fjær Sylte (Loud Feather Pickle), a song in Norwegian supposedly recorded by Pink Floyd and Donna Summer. I can't confirm the existence of that song, let alone its placing on the Norwegian charts.
If you know what the number 1 song in Norway that week was, please contact me.
19. Were you ever really able to accept Dick Sargent in the role of Darrin Stephens?
More than four out of five readers (83.6%) said they preferred Dick York in the role. It's not that Dick Sargent did a bad job. It's just that because Dick York originated the role and dominated it - with that voice and those ears, who could ever replace him? But 16.4% of readers did prefer the second Darrin. A few people commented on Will Farrell playing an actor playing Darrin in the Bewitched movie; the comments were not pleasant.
20. What will happen after Don Cherry retires?
Most Brain Capacity readers (96.8%) don't seem to give a hoot about the hockey commentator. They say nothing much will happen; 2.0% will stop watching hockey; 1.2% say the world will end. One person thinks Cherry will pose nude for Playgirl magazine, and one predicts that he'll run for mayor of Lethbridge, Alta.
* * *
So what does all this tell us about Brain Capacity readers?
Nothing at all.
I have hired a team of lawyers, and I will enter therapy this week.
* * *
1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
You might expect that, if Brain Capacity readership reflects the general population, about 10% would be left handed and 90% right handed. In fact, only 9% are righties and 7% are lefties. An astounding 83% of readers claim to be ambidextrous. About 1% use something else. Several readers accused me of being handist in assuming that readers use their hands to write. Sorry.
| hand | num | % |
| right | 599 | 9.5% |
| left | 441 | 7.0% |
| ambi | 5212 | 82.5% |
| other | 65 | 1.0% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
2. Do you have more than two eyes?
Most readers (76%) don't have more than two eyes. But almost one in five - 19% - do. Only a few said how many; 12 readers claimed to have three eyes; another 11 have four eyes, and one reader claimed to have 47. A surprising 4% told me in no uncertain terms that it's none of my damn business.
| > 2 eyes | num | % |
| yes | 1219 | 19.3% |
| no | 4826 | 76.4% |
| none of your damn business | 272 | 4.3% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
3. Do you earn more or less than $7 million (Canadian) per year?
This was almost evenly split between the really rich and the poor to moderately rich. Nobody refused to answer the question, or tell me it's not my business (see question 2 above). Most were happy to report their earnings. Many sent scans of tax returns or pay stubs to prove it. I didn't quantify all the earnings, but I can report that only 12 earn less than $5 per year, and 153 claim to make a billion dollars a year or more.
| earnings > or < $7 million | num | % |
| more | 3101 | 49.1% |
| less | 3216 | 50.9% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
4. Do you prefer Ginger or Mary Anne?
All Brain Capacity readers are familiar with Gilligan's Island, it would seem. But their preferences are overwhelming: 98% picked Mary Anne. Only 2% picked Ginger. Most of the responses included a lot of sexual fantasy stuff, which I won't outline here.
| gilligan's isle gal | num | % |
| ginger | 143 | 2.3% |
| mary anne | 6174 | 97.7% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
5. What is your favourite kind of cookie?
Brain Capacity readers are very enlightened - 95% wisely chose chocolate chip as their favourite type of cookie. But 3% like Oreos and 2% like banana cream. One lone poor schmuck likes mango chutney mutton cookies. I don't know who makes them, or where you can buy them. And I don't want to know.
| fave cookie type | num | % |
| chocolate chip | 6001 | 95.0% |
| oreo | 205 | 3.2% |
| banana cream | 110 | 1.7% |
| mango chutney mutton | 1 | 0.0% |
| total | 6317 | 99.9% |
6. Have you ever seen a UFO?
All Brain Capacity readers have seen a UFO. Many report seeing dozens of interstellar craft. One reader claims to be a UFO pilot, and another is a flight attendant on the Alpha Centauri run.
| seen ufo | num | % |
| yes | 6317 | 100.0% |
| no | 0 | 0.0% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
7. Have you ever seen UFO (the TV series)?
Despite the universal experience with UFOs, unfortunately not that many have seen the TV show - only 12%. More than half (56%) said no, and almost a third (32%) have not heard of the show. It's available on DVD at Amazon.ca. You can also read more about it here.
| seen ufo (tv series) | num | % |
| yes | 750 | 11.9% |
| no | 3523 | 55.8% |
| never heard of it | 2044 | 32.4% |
| total | 6317 | 100.1% |
8. Do your toenails turn purple on Monday?
Almost seven out of ten readers (68%) experience this strange phenomenon every Monday - toenails turn a bright purple. A further 17% experience it sometimes, and 15% never experience it.
| purple toenails on Monday | num | % |
| always | 4312 | 68.3% |
| sometimes | 1057 | 16.7% |
| never | 948 | 15.0% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
9. Do you ever eat potato chips on Friday?
Curiously, the percentages for this question are exactly the same as the purple toenails one. Almost seven out of ten readers (68%) eat potato chips every Friday. A further 17% occasionally eat them on that day of the week, and 15% never do.
| chips on Friday | num | % |
| always | 4312 | 68.3% |
| sometimes | 1057 | 16.7% |
| never | 948 | 15.0% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
10. On a scale 1 to 12.2, how much do you enjoy Song Spotlight and Album Spotlight posts in Brain Capacity?
Most readers really like the spotlight features - 71.3 rated their enjoyment between 11.8 and 12.2 on the weird scale, and another 27% rated it between 9.0 and 11.7. Fewer than 2% of readers rated their enjoyment in 5.1 to 9.0 or in the lowest band, 1.0 to 5.0. [Note: This strange scale, invented in 1973 by Swiss econonomist Franco Nerdo, is based on some strange algorithm I don't really understand.]
| enjoy-spotlight scale | num | % |
| 1.0 to 5.0 | 10 | 0.2% |
| 5.1 to 9.0 | 99 | 1.6% |
| 9.1 to 11.7 | 1705 | 27.0% |
| 11.8 to 12.2 | 4503 | 71.3% |
| total | 6317 | 100.1% |
11. Why did you call your dog a funny name yesterday?
Unfortunately, I can't report the results to this question, as I am facing a number of lawsuits over it. Don't worry, though. I will fight these scurrilous attempts to censor and silence me. Freedom of expression is a guaranteed right under the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
12. Who is your favourite Beatle?
| fave fab | num | % |
| john | 1560 | 24.7% |
| paul | 1581 | 25.0% |
| george | 1605 | 25.4% |
| ringo | 1570 | 24.9% |
| pete | 1 | 0.0% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
This was almost a dead heat, with only a few votes separating each. George came out just slightly ahead of Paul, then Ringo, then John. Pete Best got one vote. He was in town last week. I wonder if he voted for himself.
13. What is your greater fear: having to do heart surgery on yourself, or being forced to watch every episode of Family Matters?
Brain Capacity readers know bad TV when they see it. Every single respondent reported being more scared of being forced to watch the entire Family Matters TV series than having to perform self-heart-surgery. I won't repeat what several thousand readers said about that annoying Urkel creature.
| fear | num | % |
| heart surgery on self | 0 | 0.0% |
| forced to watch family matters | 6317 | 100.0% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
14. Explain Einstein's special theory of relativity in 6,000 words or less.
Interestingly, only one reader was able to explain this difficult concept in fewer than 6,000 words. The second shortest response was 7,212 words. But that one pithy reader put it very concisely, though somewhat inaccurately. He did it in eight words:
"Einstein's relatives really bugged him, especially his mother-in-law."
15. Do you like posts about articles?
More than three out of five readers (62.6%) didn't understand the question. People in favour (20.0%) just slightly exceeded those who don't like those posts (17.4%).
| posts about articles | num | % |
| yes | 1263 | 20.0% |
| no | 1101 | 17.4% |
| don't understand question | 3953 | 62.6% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
16. How long will it take Stephen Harper to destroy Canada - more than one year or less than one year?
Slightly more than one third of readers (37.1%) said it will take less than one year for the new PM to destroy Canada, and just under two thirds (62.9%) said it will take longer. A lot of readers said that the only thing holding Harper back right now is the fact that it's a minority government. If he had a majority, it would be the express route down the tubes. It's interesting that nobody said he will not destroy the country. I heard that a couple of Conservative backbench MPs were going to participate in the poll, but the PMO told them they couldn't.
| how long | num | % |
| less than one year | 2345 | 37.1% |
| more than one year | 3972 | 62.9% |
| won't destroy it | 0 | 0.0% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
17. Have you ever tried chicken-flavoured ice cream?
After the dog name question, this one was probably the most contentious. Many of the people who said no accused me of making up this type of ice cream. They said I am defaming the ice cream industry and / or the poultry industry.
Well, almost 200 readers (3.1%) can back me up on this. They have tried chicken ice cream at Jen and Barry's Malt Shop in Vancouver. Mind you, everyone of those readers told me that the ice cream is disgusting, and most did it either on a dare, or they were extremely drunk at the time. All say they would never eat it again. But 96.9% of readers have not had the displeasure. Maybe the guy who likes mango chutney mutton cookies would like it.
| tried chicken ice cream | num | % |
| yes | 195 | 3.1% |
| no | 6122 | 96.9% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
18. What song was number 1 on the Norwegian charts on Sept. 24, 1977?
OK. This was the trick question. I don't actually know the answer to this one. I have not been able to find out. The largest response was "I don't know" from 38.5% of readers. I received several thousand suggestions, including 127 for I Don't Know by Leif Clemmersson and the Fjords, and 99 for We Got The Beat by the Go-Go's. That's curious, since the Go-Go's didn't even form until the next year; WGTB was on their first album in 1981. I can't find any reference to Clemmersson or his song. Other suggestions included: Beethoven's Marriage Of Figaro (it's actually by Mozart), We'll Meet Again by Sarah Vaughan (a chart topper in the UK during WW2), 99 Red Balloons by Nina (not released until 1984) and Kraftig Fjær Sylte (Loud Feather Pickle), a song in Norwegian supposedly recorded by Pink Floyd and Donna Summer. I can't confirm the existence of that song, let alone its placing on the Norwegian charts.
If you know what the number 1 song in Norway that week was, please contact me.
19. Were you ever really able to accept Dick Sargent in the role of Darrin Stephens?
More than four out of five readers (83.6%) said they preferred Dick York in the role. It's not that Dick Sargent did a bad job. It's just that because Dick York originated the role and dominated it - with that voice and those ears, who could ever replace him? But 16.4% of readers did prefer the second Darrin. A few people commented on Will Farrell playing an actor playing Darrin in the Bewitched movie; the comments were not pleasant.
| dick sargent as darrin | num | % |
| yes | 1037 | 16.4% |
| no | 5280 | 83.6% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
20. What will happen after Don Cherry retires?
Most Brain Capacity readers (96.8%) don't seem to give a hoot about the hockey commentator. They say nothing much will happen; 2.0% will stop watching hockey; 1.2% say the world will end. One person thinks Cherry will pose nude for Playgirl magazine, and one predicts that he'll run for mayor of Lethbridge, Alta.
| after cherry retires | num | % |
| stop watching hockey | 127 | 2.0% |
| world will end | 75 | 1.2% |
| he'll pose nude in playgirl | 1 | 0.0% |
| he'll run for mayor of lethbridge | 1 | 0.0% |
| nothing much | 6113 | 96.8% |
| total | 6317 | 100.0% |
* * *
So what does all this tell us about Brain Capacity readers?
Nothing at all.
posted by droppingpin at 9:24 AM
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